Sometimes I need to look back to appreciate where I am today. Thankful God brings me through the tests and trials of life. Sharing a journal entry from three years ago written a few days after my only
daughter and son-in-law passed away. So thankful I am not where I was but that I am moving forward through the grief process.
Journal Entry: What is grief? Help, help me please. Can you hear my voice? Do you hear my screams? Does anyone care? Death, silence. Numbness. Stillness as grief penetrates. Oh, no! The pain is rising within. If I close my mouth tight it won’t get past my clenched teeth and jaws. Help, it is breaking down the flood gates. Oh, no, I must contain the wailing. Sleep, quiet, nothingness. Calmness. Drifting, floating, beautiful nothingness. Am I a spirit? Or, am I a real human being? Do I even exist? Is this life? Or, is this death? Where am I? Maybe this is all just a void. Somewhere between reality and fantasy. Is this death? Is it life? My body is numb, cold. So maybe this is death. Yet, I feel such pain. It must be life. This is an abyss. A black hole. I read about the black hole. Now, I know it exists. What is the black hole? It is an escape route for the mind. Once you enter there is no return. You are free to walk the corridors without intrusion. The corridors branch to the north, south, east, and west. Walk freely, mind. I enjoy and look forward to daily exploration of all the nooks and crannies that are encompassed within the corridors. No sound exists within the space. Silence, golden silence. Except for the silent screams in my head. Darkness, as deep as the night skies. Death, grief. Grief.
I know I cannot make it a day without God. He is the one who brought me through the darkness of death. Loosing a child is the most painful experience I have ever faced. I know God has brought…no… I know God has carried me through the grieving process thus far and I know He will be by my side as I go forward.